The Students of "Recess": Where Are They Now?

I thought that it would be fun if I imagined the lives of our favorite Third Street School students and see where they ended up after school let out.

Gretchen Grundler: Partnered with Richard Branson on his Virgin Galactic project straight out of college and is still Yo-Yo world champion after a brief stint out of the pro circuit.

Gus Griswald: Disobeyed a direct order from his father and joined the Air Force instead of the Army. He then was recruited by former classmate Gretchen Grundler to be a pilot for Virgin Galactic. He flies under the nickname 'El Diablo'.

Mikey Blumberg: Shy-guy-turned-crooner Mikey exploded onto the music scene after he opened for Michael Bublé. He has since inked a lucrative record deal and receives tons of love letters every day, but he rejects them all hoping that his one true love, Ms. Salamone, will come back.

Ashley Spinelli: The tough-girl of Third Street is an aspiring artist who has a visceral sense of style and composition. She was recently commissioned to create a piece for the city of Seattle to eventually be put on permanent display as a symbol for the city.

Randall Weems: Busted for dealing meth in college, Randall has become a CI (confidential informant) for the FBI and has helped take down some of the biggest drug cartels in the country. Albeit, so he can build his own drug empire.

King Bob: After relinquishing his throne he turned into quite the political figure. He became his High School student body president, then joined the student council in college where he eventually became president - again - and then became the president of his fraternity. He has parlayed that success into earning a seat on the city council in hopes of one day running for Mayor, then Governor, then President of the United States. All while keeping the unibrow.

The Diggers: Still digging. This time for oil.

Swinger Girl: Joined Cirque du Soleil and has appeared in multiple shows across the world as a swinging expert.

Upside Down Girl: Tried to earn money stripping but found out that just hanging upside down is not the best way to earn cash. It is rumored that she can be found on Craigslist for the voyeur crowd where people can pay to watch her hang upside down. 

Lawson: Lawson entered the witness protection program after he left the Church of Scientology. He has not been heard from since.

Vince LaSalle: After helping create NAKBA (North American Kickball Association) he led the New York Empires to four-straight NAKBA titles where he earned MVP is those four finals. He also opened a French Bistro, LaSalle's, on the Upper West Side where he is the chef during the off season. 

TJ Detweiler: A natural people-person, TJ became a successful venture capitalist. His influence is seen in many of the products we use today. From internet startups to maple syrup conglomerates, he has a way to bring out the best in everyone he meets and helps bring out that potential so they, and he, can be successful. He is known to be dating an aspiring artist but is very hush-hush on his personal life.

8 Things I learned while watching 30 minutes of 'The Love Guru'

Do you remember The Love Guru? The Mike Myers movie from 2008. You don't? I completely forgot about it until I saw it pop up on FX yesterday. So I decided to sit down and watch a few minutes. I could only get through 30 minutes before I decided sleep was better for me than this movie. However, there were a few things that caught my eye in those 30 minutes.

1. Mike Myers seems to really enjoy penises. I mean, there was a joke about a chastity belt, an erection, mops soaked with urine, Coach Punch Cherkov, Justin Timberlake's bikini briefs, his character's nickname - Le Coq, and his "Schnauzer". 
2. I think he hates my Los Angeles Kings. He's from Toronto, born a Leafs fan so this is only natural. But, I guess he's still bitter about the 1993 Campbell Conference final.
3. (I already knew this) Jessica Alba cannot act to save her life. She should stick to melodrama or bikini photo shoots or movies where bad acting is allowed.
4. Poor Ben Kingsley. No comment needed here.
5. Romany Malco deserves better. He was brilliant in The 40-Year-Old Virgin and also on Weeds, but here he is underused and with the right stuff, he can knock it out.
6. Comics as actors don't always pan out. He hired mostly comics to play supporting roles. From the great Jim Gaffigan to the at-one-time-funny-and-enjoyable-now-douchey Daniel Tosh. Throw in The Daily Show vets Rob Riggle, Stephen Colbert and John Oliver and you'd think they would all add up to something great. Nope.
7. This character is just plain annoying. I don't think I could get through a full 2 hours of him. The accent, the bad slapstick, the constant puns, ugh.
8. Recognizing funny situations doesn't make them funny. In a scene where they sit down in Coach Cherkov's (Verne Troyer) office office you see that everything is small - because he is small. This is amusing until Jessica Alba says "Next time we'll meet in my office, agreed?" Let it play out. Unfortunately, I don't think that would've helped since bad slapstick happens right after that and that was about where I gave up.

I may never know how this movie ends, nor do I care, but the fact that just 30 minutes was enough for me to sit down and write about the things that annoyed me with the film says something.

Sport Science doesn't even need to use science

The 'evil four letter' (ESPN), as they are known as on Fox Sports, has a segment that pops up from time to time that examines athletes and the science behind their skills and abilities. It sounds like a great way to get people and, most likely, kids involved in science. Take something they enjoy and add a learning element so that it's not just mindless entertainment. The show has won Emmy's so there is some merit behind it and I like the premise. Not enough kids are in the sciences these days.

But - and a big J-Lo butt - sometimes you don't really need science to figure things out.

For example, I remember watching a segment related to Super Bowl catches. They looked at David Tyree's and Santonio Holmes' of the Giants and Steelers, respectively. Then they wanted to find out which catch required the least amount of force. If you remember Tyree's catch, and how could you not, you'd remember there were guys all around him pushing and shoving, trying to knock the ball loose. And if you remember Santonio Holmes' catch, a not so memorable catch from an otherwise memorable game, you'd know he was barely touched.

When they first mentioned the catches I immediately knew Tyree's required more force. And that's from a high school understanding of physics. Why spend an entire segment on this? I assure you that most people knew the answer before the end of the question. It just seems like a waste of space.

Here's the segment: [note the video is titled Fox Sports, but it's actually from ESPN] You don't need to watch the whole thing, it's just here for reference.

This Chase 'Quick Pay' Babysitter is the Worst

Have you seen this ad from Chase? The one with the babysitter getting a tip from the parents of the little girl she was babysitting? You haven't? Well, allow me to enlighten you:

Those are are some dumb parents. And terrible babysitter.

They give her $40 for the whole night, which is pretty good money if you break it down hourly. I'd say they were gone for 2-3.5 hours given their attire (dinner-dressy/casual). Then she got $20 more for being a bad babysitter. Olivia here knows how to work the system.

What she doesn't know how to do is CLEAN UP AFTER HERSELF!

She left a mess!

Open paint, dirty brushes, hanging paper on string, posting paper on walls (when they take that down and if the pain peels: ooooooooohhhhh shit), and a waste of tin foil for an Eiffel Tower! It's an architectural marvel and I bet it was fun to make but, c'mon, why not toothpicks (might take too long) or something less useful than tin foil. Oh, and she used waffles to make an Arc de Triomphe! If it was half eaten I would be OK with it but since it is in tact, it tells me that she wasted waffles, delicious waffles.

Another thing Olivia might not have thought of is 'What if the parents are Xenophobes?' They would be frightened by their French speaking child. I'll let that slide because I assume she's been their babysitter for a while now. But she shouldn't be after this mess.

Note to parents: Don't hire Olivia. She leaves a mess wherever she goes.

Katy Perry doesn't understand radio

I saw this ad a while back, then again the other day.

We all know how radio works. I mean, these artists all seem to know. Adam Levine, One Direction, Usher...except Katy Perry. Jump to 26 seconds to see what I mean:

I. Don't. Think. You can see someone on the radio....Unless you're Matt Murdock, the lawyer from Hell's Kitchen.

In Katy's own words, borrowed from 'Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)', "That was such an epic fail."

In an alternate universe

There are times throughout the day that I think about what is going on in alternate universes. Universes where everything is the same except for this one thing. This is a list of 10 differences I have come up with. They are not necessarily all in the same universe but they exist in at least one.

• Justin Guarini won Americal Idol and is 'Miss Independent'

Not really a stretch

• Alcatraz is still on the air and people are still wondering why Hurley hasn't lost any weight.

I really do miss this show

• The Buffalo Bills won all of those Super Bowls

There would be four of these

• I'm left handed

I would shop here on the reg

• Full House is still on the air but it's on Showtime and it's now about how Nicky & Alex run a brothel out of their San Francisco House.

Bowl cuts for all their bitches

• L.A. Confidential won Best Picture

Because it is better than Titanic

• Oasis is still together

The best album of the 90's. Don't fight me on this.

• This handball was called on Torsten Frings and forever changed US soccer

Angle 1: Handball

Angle 2: Handball

• The Cubs have won a World Series

Technically this is from the future so it could happen...haha

• Steve Nash has more MVP's than Kobe

Oh, wait...

LA Native to NFL: Stay Away

I am aware that by making this statement I am declaring myself as Public Enemy No. 1 but I do not care. NFL, stay away from my city.

This has all come to boil since I read an article in the LA Times a few days ago. As Mr. Dwyre points out, we have been lead along this path for far too long and have nothing to show for it. Some are confused. Some are angry. Some just do not care. I am a combination of all three. I am confused as to what is stopping them (even though I know the physical obstacles, I wonder why they cannot just get it done). I am angry that this has been dragged out for so long. And I do not care anymore because it has all become a 'Boy Who Cried Wolf' scenario.

But why 'Stay Away'? That seems a bit harsh.

But, does it?

This is a city who has had TWO teams leave, and one come back only to leave again. We had our chance. But wait, you say Jacksonville has had their chance. Yes, they have, but even the Jaguars are making money, and given that selling a franchise today is worth more than yesterday you can bet your sweet ass they are going to stay where they are until someone with bags of money comes walking through their door. Do we really want the Jaguars here? They. Are. Awful. They don't even want Tebow. Sure, San Diego is the likeliest bet to move here but they should not. Everyone should stay away.

Full disclosure, I am a Tennessee Titans fan. I remember watching the Music City Miracle and being floored by what I had just seen. From then on, I made a bet that they would win the Super Bowl..........and I have stuck with them ever since.

I can see Titans games out here from time to time on TV. They are sometimes on Sunday or Monday Night Football or even the Game of the Week. I also have the option to see ANY OTHER GAME. No, I do not have the NFL Sunday Ticket package because I am not made of money, but the national broadcasts allow me to see other teams I may not normally see on any given Sunday. Some of the games are total duds, but I watch anyway because I like football. If there was a team in Los Angeles I would be subjected to watch their games (unless they were blacked out). Having lived in the Bay Area for four years I can tell you that watching crappy 49ers and Raiders games is not how I want to spend my Sunday. I would turn the TV off and wait until Sunday Night Football. I do not want to have that happen here.

Being the son of a Realtor I can tell you the three most important things in property buying: Location, location, location. Do you know where the geniuses intend to put this NFL stadium?

Right next to the damn freeway.

But wait. Isn't there another option? What about that other location in the City of Industry?
Exactly, it's in the City of Industry....

Parking would be a nightmare downtown, not to mention the traffic. It would be worse than going to Staples Center for a normal sporting event or LA Live for a concert. Hell, even when I go to Kings games the parking is hard to come by, and I get there at least an hour early. This would mean I would me taking the Metro to EVERY game because it would be hassle free. Gold Line to Red Line to Blue Line to Pico. Boom. It would be beautiful at night to see LA Live, Staples Center, JW Marriot and Farmer's Field lit up but it would be a major pain in mine and the collective asses of Los Angeles.

We have been led down this road before. I was around when the Raiders and Rams were here. I had a babysitter who was a Rams cheerleader and I went to a game once and all I remember was getting a plush blue & yellow football after the game. That is all I remember of LA football. Since the Rams and Raiders (thank God) left USC and UCLA football have taken over. That is where most people have gone to get their gridiron fill. I realize it is not the same game but we here have lived without an NFL team for almost 20 years and have survived and thrived. Don't jeopardize that. Stay away NFL.